“All you need to know about the male brain.”

How ludicrous is that?  There is nothing to know.  I love men, thats my problem, but they really are total idiots.  Constantly saying the wrong thing, doing something stupid and the list goes on.

Even now, im sitting here, and my bf has just woken up,got on his bike and gone off to meet someone called nathan at work who also has a bike.  Its like a little gang of sorts.  I have just realised that in reality, i have no idea who he’s gone to meet.  He could just have easily gone to see a nathan as he could have a gemma.  Whats to stop him?  I’d never know.

I dont trust him, i admit, i dont trust anyone.  Everyone is extremely likely to break your heart, misstreat you and shatter your trust.  Im just as likely as anyone else, infact i have done that.  I spent three and half years with a fantastic guy to one day break up with him.  We hadnt fought, we hadnt fallen out, neither of us had cheated, so it came as a real shock to him when i decided id had enough.

I know everyone will be saying that if you dont trust the other person then whats the point.  The point is that i love him and its my faul entirely.  He’s given me no indication that something dodgy is going on.  He’s done everything ive asked for and the end result is always me not satisfied and continue to pick fights and argue.  I assume i make his life utterly miserable so why wouldnt he want anyone else?  I am a bitch and everything is a major problem.  But then i suppose if you were in the state i was in, you might be a little depressed.

I cant see to stop thinking the worst.  Due to the fact the worst always happens.  Every man ive ever gone out with (all different in personalities etc) all treated me the same in the end.  Alex strung me along for 12 years and made my life utterly hell, before finally running off to Norwich with his gf.  Even after he had come onto me and we made a fatal error he blamed me publicaly for it all.  I am the slut and he is a guy who made a mistake.  A mistake that he covered up for a year even when he’d told me he’d confessed straight away.  Prick face the nicest man ive ever met.  A self harming anorexic who was insatiably jelous of his twin.  He ran off with his ex gf who hed been sleeping with the whole length of our relationship.  I found out a week after he’d moved in then i proceeded to have a nervous breakdown.  For months i knew hed been shacking up with her, and always confronted him.  He made me out to be the insane one for having these thoughts.  ‘How dare you not trust me, why would i want her when i could have you.’  (She was horrendously ugly.)  Then i found out.  I knew i hadnt been the nut job and that i had been right.  THe only person who believed me was simon! I lost everything because of him.  My best friend who was going out with his older brother at the time.  She said i was to blame.  Nice friend.  All my friends id made through him and his family and then him. 

 I waited two years before i got with anyone else and ii didnt exactly pick it well.  I was lonely, fed up, bored, all my friends had found someone, and two years of just shagging had got to me.  I realised taht two years had changed me.  Made me a horrible cynic with no trust.  I’d become bitter and twisted and decided to use everyone i came into contact with.  If you werent my friend, then i was going to fuck you.  Then id see if you stuck around as either a friend or something more.  If you didnt, then bon voyage.  Darren was a dream.  An alcoholic coke head engeneer who was in love with his french best friend.  He used to lie to me not to come over and say he was tired, and then shed come over.  I dont know if anything happened with her, but he as trying i know that.  He was a selfish arsehole.  He’d invite me round of promise of booze and drugs, and be sat there watching match of the day all night.  Then he’d listen to music then he’d go to bed after he’d played the game of ‘whind me up.’  In the end i gave him the boot.

That solves it, i must be terrible in bed.

I dont really want much.  I want old fashioned romance.  You know, where the boy actually likes the girl and she knows it.  But then, if a guy told me a thousand times every day, id still not believe him. Why me?  Why would you choose me?  I dont deserve it as there must have been something fundamentaly wrong for the previous ones to have gone. 

I hope he comes back soon.